the lil,sugars-part2

Warriors fan fiction created by members of the forum.
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the lady warrior
Rank: Warrior
Posts: 295
Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:51 pm

the lil,sugars-part2

Post by the lady warrior »

                                          part2
                                          12:00pm




Hottie knew now that she was unwanted from the lizzes and that in the morning they'd probally's be wanting to kill her, so she decided to take the train to benherst becos she knew that the lizzes wudnt find her there!!

When she got to benhurst she saw this tough-clean lookin set hottie knew they were the jones street boys, she decided to take a chance and stroll right thru them to get to her aunt's house which was now a few blocks away. it didnt work they still stopped her from going past...

vance-leader:her sweetheart lookin for some action cos i got a massive, gun in here
hottie:[bad word deleted] u i aint no prostigute i just wanna go home man leave me alone
vance-leader:grab her boy's


they dragged her back to thier hangout and cuffed her hands to the bed.
vance:you wanna play naughty cos i'll make you scream
she also had a taped mouth and she was tryin to scream but cudnt,

just as vance was going to rape her the saracens came in they were ment to burn down thier hangout but came in to see what all the comotion was!!

vance:[bad word deleted],saracens what you doin here
saracen-leader:oh vance you sick [bad word deleted] you messin around with a lady yor goin down punk

hottie passed out becos of all that had happened to her
saracen-leader:wreck,em all
vance:noooooooo

then there was a tense armying going on between the 2 gangs between punches
saracen-leader:take her back to our hangout she needs some rest

so 3 saracens took her back to the hangout,then fanilly the saracens won!!

hottie:where am i
she looked around to see theese strong dudes lookin at her
hottie:aaahhh-help-someone help thier gonna muder me help
saracen:shhh no we aint, if ya wanna know we saved ya from them sick [bad word deleted]s the jones sreet boys we're the saracens you passed out they were gonna do stuff to ya if we didnt come

hottie:awww the saracens i used to here about use all the time real tough guys aint ya,hi am rosie a.k.a hottie
saracen-leader:were you in a cliuqe
hottie:yeah the lizzies but they [bad word deleted]ed me off so i just smashed thier heads in then left

all the saracens laughed and talked to each other about how strong she was!
saracen-leader:you can come back to my place if you want
hottie:ok but promise no funny [bad word deleted] if you know what i mean
saracen-leader:promise

so they went to johhny's apartment and when they were walking to get to it, hottie cudnt stop staring at johnny and his good looks and tight mucles. then johnny opened the door,
johhny:hey erm i aint got no pj's to give ya so here's some shorts and vest
hottie:thanks
they were silent for a minute then they stared other and start making uot with each other hottie cudnt help herself she was all over him then they went to the bedroom and the magic happened!!

In the mornin hottie was the first to get up and make breakfast
hottie:johnny im doin sunny-side-up do want some
johnny:yeah,ok rosie thanks
he came in the kitchen with just a pair of boxer shorts on and kissed rosie


they ate thier breakfast then got ready,
hottie: im thinking of making a new gang to get back at the lizzes and becos i kinda like the idea of another girl clique, will you and the saracens help me find some recruits plz
johnny:yeah sure and we cud be your allies seen as we love each other!!

so thats the secound part plz comment and hope your enjoying it part3 coming soon :D :idea:
Last edited by the lady warrior on Thu Aug 06, 2009 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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4nik8
Rank: Warrior
Posts: 3920
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 3:18 pm
Location: New York!

Re: the lil,sugars-part2

Post by 4nik8 »

There are two elements to your story - not content-wise; I’m referring only to its structure.

There is the narrative portion, and the dialogue portion

I recognize that use of slang and misspellings may be intentional style choices, however, I find that, as they are similar, they tend to blur

One, at least potentially, interesting style choice might be to alter the narrator's “voice” from those of the characters, just slightly enough for the difference to resonate, while remaining subtle.

On another matter, just for curiosity sake, is “Benherst” supposed to be “Bensonhurst”, or is it a fictional locale?
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the lady warrior
Rank: Warrior
Posts: 295
Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:51 pm

Re: the lil,sugars-part2

Post by the lady warrior »

sorry about that its supposed to be bensonhurst, you are realy supportive with me you've realy helped me be better at this thanx cool cat 8) :D!!

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