Okay, so this is something totally different than what I'd normally write, but it popped into my head out of the blue and it seemed perfect for my entry. My concept is a parody of Real World style reality shows, done with the Warriors. It is written in script form, since it's supposed to be a show, and it is entirely non-canon in everyway. Also, it is profanity filled (hey, it's supposed to be reality TV) and utterly ridiculous on every level. Enjoy!
Author's note: the stuff about the premiere episode is just flavor, as right now I don't plan on expanding this beyond the competition, though the idea is appealing and I may work with it depending on how things go.
The Real Warriors
The following is a series of excerpts from The Real Warriors, a hilarious new reality show set to begin airing next week on HBO. Watch the hilarious antics of nine gang members and an ex-hooker who have been forced to live alone together in a Coney Island house. Will they make it out alive? Who knows! Tune in next week for the premiere episode!
*****
The camera, obviously some hidden type, focuses on a nearly silent bedroom. A queen sized bed sits in the middle of the room, and Rembrandt lies on it with a sketchbook, intently concentrating on whatever he's drawing. After a moment, he puts the sketchbook down and stands up, headed for the door of his room. Instead, however, he goes into the door next to it, which clearly leads to a bathroom. The door shuts, and a few moments pass. Then... a crash!
Rembrandt: “Jesus f*cking Christ!”
The door flies open and a massive cloud of dust comes pouring out, followed quickly by Rembrandt himself. Indistinguishable yells can be heard from inside the dust cloud as he struggles to get his pants all the way up. Moments later, Ajax and Vermin come stumbling out and collapse on the ground next to Rembrandt, hacking up a lung. As Rembrandt speaks, he stands, stares into the bathroom in shock, and looks down at the two.
Rembrandt: “What the hell did you do!?”
Ajax's coughing quickly turns to laughter, as does that of Vermin, though he is able to get to his feet.
Vermin (laughing): “Man, that was the f*cking funniest sh*t I've ever seen! You should have seen your face!”
Rembrandt: “What the hell man!? You f*cked up my bathroom and all you can say is I looked funny!?”
Ajax (recovering): “Oh stop being a faggot and chill out. Wasn't even our fault anyway, damn floors must be defective if they can't even support a pogo stick.”
A beat of silence passes.
Rembrandt: “A pogo stick?”
Ajax: “Yeah, a pogo stick. Someone was throwin' it out down the street so Vermin grabbed it. Got a problem with that?”
Rembrandt: “When you're using it inside the f*cking attic and bust through my roof while I'm taking a sh*t, damn straight I have a problem with that!”
Ajax: “Well isn't someone just Mr. Sensitive today. News flash: we would have gone outside except for the fact that it's been raining for the last two days.”
Vermin: “We thought about the garage, but Cowboy's using it to fix his ride. Figured the attic was the next best place.”
Rembrandt throws his hands up and walks out of the room without a word further. Vermin walks into the bathroom, where the dust is only beginning to settle, and walks out carrying a rather beat-up looking pogo stick.
Vermin: “Aw man, looks like the mechanism's busted now!”
Ajax: “Pfft, piece of cake. Garage, five minutes. Be there or be queer.”
*****
The camera, now manned and mobile, is filming in the garage. Snow is leaning up against a work bench while drinking a beer, and a beat-up AMC Gremlin fills most of the space, with Cowboy's jeans-clad legs sticking out from underneath
Snow: “You any closer to fixin' that thing than when you started?”
Cowboy: “F*ck off man, doing things right takes a bit of time.”
Snow: “Especially since you've already done it wrong, what, six times now?”
Cowboy: “Pass me a goddamn screwdriver.”
The door flies open, followed by Ajax and Vermin walking in, covered in dust and carrying a pogo stick. Snow stares blankly at them.
Cowboy: “Hey, who's that?”
He rolls out from underneath the car, several prominent grease smudges on his face, and stares at the two newcomers.
Cowboy: “What the f*ck happened to you guys?”
Ajax and Vermin walk over and clear the work bench as they speak.
Ajax: “We were testing the pogo stick and sh*t got a bit rough.”
Vermin: “Yeah, f*ckin' thing broke too. We're gonna try to fix it.”
Cowboy: “So you're pogo stick repairmen now?”
Ajax: “Can't be that hard.”
Title card appears: “One hour later”
The pogo stick has now been disassembled enough to access the spring, and numerous empties are scattered among the parts, with a mostly done 24 pack of beer next to it. As the camera pans across the four Warriors, we see Cowboy drinking a beer, Snow drinking a beer, Ajax drinking a beer, and Vermin... hitting a two foot bong.
Cowboy: “Far as I can tell, looks like the spring got jammed up in the top of the chamber. You're gonna have to get that loose before it's gonna have a chance of working again.”
A beat passes.
Cowboy: “Ajax?”
He looks over. The camera pans to reveal Ajax now hitting the bong. He finishes after a moment.
Ajax: “Yeah, my bad. Uhh, f*ck, hand me some pliers.
Title card appears: “Ten minutes later”.
The first thing that appears after the cut is the pliers flying through the drywall of the garage. The camera pans to show a p*ssed off Ajax struggling with the spring.
Ajax: “I will f*ck this thing's mother and make her enjoy it!”
The other Warriors, watching, look amused, but their look of amusement quickly vanishes when Ajax picks up the pogo stick and turns to whip it across the room. Just as it leaves his hands, the door from inside opens up and the Fox walks out.
Fox: “Hey guys, what's up-”
The pogo stick slams into the Fox's chest, sending him flying into the adjacent wall. He gives a yell of pain and slumps to the floor as the pogo stick clatters to the concrete next to him. Cochise looks in immediately afterwards, with a mixed look of shock and relief that he held the door open for the Fox instead of going in first.
Vermin: “Holy sh*t!”
Ajax: “Ah f*ck!”
Cowboy: “Jesus!”
The Fox looks up through squinted eyes.
Fox: “What in the holy Christ was that?”
Vermin: “...pogo stick. It, uh, it was a pogo stick.”
A beat of silence. During that silence, a slight metallic springing noise is heard. All of the four who had been working turn slowly to the pogo stick in unison. Cochise, seeing their look, walks over and grabs it. He then hands it to Ajax, who strikes it against the wall as if it were the floor. The spring moves.
Ajax: “F*ck yes. Attic, five minutes. Be there or be queer.”
*****
The six Warriors stand in the attic, which is full of assorted old crap and badly lit. More empty beer cans litter the area, and most of them are swaying by now. Ajax is holding the pogo stick and several are arguing with each other.
Ajax: “F*ck off, I fixed it so I get the first try!”
Cowboy: “Hey, I figured out what was wrong with the damn thing to start with!”
Ajax: “Yeah, but did you actually fix it? No!”
Fox: “If it weren't for me getting hit by it, it wouldn't have gotten fixed to start with!”
Ajax: “Everybody bite me!”
Ajax flips the bird with both fingers, sets the pogo stick in front of him, hops on, and takes the first jump. However, things go wrong. When he tested the pogo stick in the garage, it was without any weight on it. The mechanism, warped from the fall into Rembrandt's bathroom, gets stuck as soon as Ajax brings himself down on it. He hits the ground with zero bounce and, surprised and drunk, he goes flying forwards off of the pogo stick.
*****
A hidden camera films the inside of Swan's room. He is lying on the bed with Mercy. Both are naked and lying under the covers, doing whatever happens to pop into your imagination. Suddenly, the roof above the bed practically implodes and a huge mass flys down onto the bed, shrouded in a massive, choking cloud of dust. Swan and Mercy start screaming, and they are visible jumping out of the bed as Ajax swears and rolls onto the floor.
Swan: “What the f... Ajax?”
Mercy: “Oh my god, Ajax, what the f*ck are you doing!?”
Mercy begins frantically tearing a robe out of the rubble to put on. Ajax looks up at Swan, who is staring at him with a look of near-rage.
Ajax: “Ah f*ck.”
Cochise (off screen): “Yo Ajax, you alright?”
Vermin (off screen): “Sh*t man, the production company's gonna be p*ssed about all the holes.”
Swan starts advancing towards Ajax. He stands up and backs against the wall, raising his fists, only to see Mercy advancing as well, cracking her knuckles.
*****
Rembrandt is lying in his room, sketching once again and listening to his boom box at a low volume. The pile of rubble from Ajax and Vermin is still there, spilling out of his half-opened bathroom door. Suddenly, Ajax's head comes smashing through the wall right next to Rembrandt's head. The sound of fists thumping into flesh and banging noises are audible from the other side of the wall.
Ajax: “I'll knock all you f*ckers on your asses!”
Ajax proceeds to vomit a massive amount of puke (mostly consisting of beer) all over both Rembrandt and his sketch book. Rembrandt spends several seconds in silence, shocked by the sheer improbability of the situation. However, it only takes him a moment to recover. He stands up, throws his sketchbook aside, walks to the other side of the room, and stares at Ajax for a moment. Then, with two great bounds, he goes running across the room, leaps into the air, and sends a two-footed flying kick at Ajax's head.
Ajax: “Oh fu-”
The kick connects, and not only does Ajax's head go flying back into Swan's room, Rembrandt joins them as well by virtue of flying straight through the wall.
Cowboy (off screen): “This place has the cheapest construction I've ever seen.”
Vermin (off screen): “Good for slapstick, though.”
Snow (off screen): “Word.”
At that very moment, the door to the room flies open. Standing there is none other than an imposing, du-ragged figure: Cleon. The Warriors all freeze. Rembrandt lies in a pile of dust and drywall, Mercy and Swan stop mid-kick, and even Ajax quits trying to fight back. Cleon's eyes dart across the gaping holes in both the ceiling and the wall, he notes Swan and Mercy's relatively liberal dress, and correctly comes to the conclusion that something isn't right.
Cleon: “Do I even want to know?”
Vermin (off screen): “Uh... probably not.”
A beat of silence.
Cleon: “Alright then. Everybody suit up, we got some work to do.”
Swan: “...like?”
Cleon: “Look out the window.”
Swan pulls back the curtain.
Swan: “Aw hell.”
The cameraman looks out the window, revealing none other than nine of the Rogues standing in the torrential downpour on the street in front of the house. Luther is at the head of the group, and he smiles when he sees Swan look out. The Rogues have also accepted a contract for a reality show, and they're living in a converted factory in Hell's Kitchen. The two groups are in constant competition, and on-camera brawls occur frequently.
Ajax: “Looks like we've got some faggots to welcome. As much as I enjoy these fun times together, I think we should take care of it.”
A beat of silence.
Swan: “Right.”
*****
A final shot: the nine Warriors, some looking better than others, stride out the front door one by one in slow motion. As they walk through the rain, they stare straight ahead, into the eyes of the Rogues just on the other side of their white picket fence. At the same time, however, they seem to stare straight through the camera and into the eyes of the viewer, giving a clear message: you do not f*ck with the Warriors.
*****
This concludes our preview of The Real Warriors. Once again, tune in next week for the premiere episode! Goodnight!
im sure you wont and looing forward to seeing who wins...soon!!