Before I reveal the winner, I am going to give each of you a critique, so that your skills improve whether or not you're the winner.
THE CRITIQUE
nazzac: You had some great ideas, but the presentation was off. However, before I say the bad, I will say the good. That first interaction between Snow, Cochise, and Vermin was incredibly well done. I read it and all I could think was "That actually sounds EXACTLY like what you'd see if someone unearthed a deleted scene set after the walk into the sunrise at the end". It was very realistically done, and the different "voices" of the characters came across perfectly. Also, the introduction of Ajax made me laugh pretty hard, just because with no explanation a cop burst in, only to have Ajax knock him out within a half second. The mental image was priceless, though you probably should have expanded on why exactly a cop was bursting into their hangout with his gun drawn.
Now, the not so good. For starters, you should probably proof read more. If you are, get someone else to do it after you, because it is very easy to miss mistakes if you're the one writing it. This is because you subconsciously scan over it due to already knowing the story. I can guarantee you that your writing will look a hundred times better and read a hundred times better if you can just root out the grammar and spelling errors that are dotted throughout it. In addition, you should work on your descriptions a little more.
Let me give you an example:
"The warriors are in the hangout. Ash comes bursting in all out of breath."
vs.
"The Warriors are standing around in the hangout, the buzz of conversation filling the air around them, along with the smell of alcohol. Several drunken soldiers lie sprawled out on the chairs and couches, one attempting to hit on a nearby woman, much to the amusement of his friends. Suddenly, the doors slam open, Ash flying in like a bat out of hell. His face is drenched with sweat and his chest expanding at a rapid rate. He is unable to speak for a moment as he falls into a chair, his wheezing overwhelming any attempt at talking he makes."
See how a little more description helped that scene? I'm not saying you have to do as much as I did there. Just describing the scenes in more depth adds a lot to your story though. Think about what may be going on in the scene, like with the drunk people mentioned above. Think about the smells, the sights, the sounds. Work that stuff in, and instantly your writing looks less like an outline and more like an actual story. The same goes for fight scenes.
"Ajax Knocks one out."
vs.
"Ajax charges at the nearest Mongrel. He ducks backwards slightly, avoiding a terrible attempt at a punch, and swings his own fist toward the enemy gang member's head. With a tremendous crack, his fist connects with the Mongrel's nose, bone and cartilage snapping with the force of the blow. A muted scream of pain erupts from the man's mouth, which quickly fills with the blood flowing from his broken face. Overwhelmed by shock, he collapses, his body slumping to the ground like a ragdoll. "F*cking pussy," Ajax says, turning to look for another target."
Once again, you don't have to go that in depth, but just saying "Ajax knocks one out" leaves a lot to be desired. How did he knock the guy out? Did he punch him in the face? Did he kick the guy's legs out from under him, causing his head to slam into the ground. Did he kick him in the skull? There are a million ways to knock someone out, leaving you a host of options for description.
Baby Bear: You could also do with a bit of proof-reading, though not much. There really aren't that many mistakes in your writing, but JUST enough to be noticeable. Also, just a heads-up: Tremont is a neighbourhood in the borough of The Bronx. They're not separate entities. Just thought you ought to know.
Also, this is a rather large nitpick, so don't take it as a slight against your writing at all. It's just me using my rather extensive drug knowledge to possibly aid you in later writing. You say that Orion was drugged against his will, then later you say he's addicted to crack cocaine. Unless the junkies tied him up and taped a crack pipe to his mouth and another to his nose, forcing him to inhale it, there's no way they could force him to do crack. You'd probably be looking for something like opium or morphine, because they can be injected (thus you can easily surprise someone and drug them) and are very, VERY addictive if used irresponsibly. Once again, I don't expect you to know that and it's really just a nitpick of mine that I felt like pointing out.
Other than that minor stuff, I honestly can't find anything else to criticize. You were very creative in how you used the theme, with Orion refusing to surrender to drugs rather than a gang refusing to surrender to another gang. Your descriptions and dialogue were very well done. Like I said, I can't think of anything else to say negatively.
THE JUDGING
Alas, one of you must be eliminated, as there can only be one winner.
Drumroll please!
*drumroll*
The winner is...
BABY BEAR!
Sorry nazzac. I spent a lot of time writing out that critique up there because I know you have the potential to be a great writer. Hopefully you can use it, make your writing better, and then the next time I do one of these, end up champion. However, in this competition, Baby Bear is a clear winner.
Baby Bear, you are hereby moving on to the second round. nazzac, you are not, HOWEVER, you hereby have permission to put the following into your sig, formatted however you like (without the quotes, obviously):
"I was a first round competitor in GramercyRiff99's Fan Fiction Contest."
Bold it, put it in colours, whatever. Anyone who competes in one of these things deserves recognition for putting your writing out to be judged in front of the whole forum.
Now on to judge the other two threads...
