The Bangers. * FINISHED*

[Dud]

Ooooh, a cliffhanger. I wonder who's in front of them. 
Anyway, this story is pretty good. I like the idea of a new gang starting out, and taking out a big gang like the Furies so early on in the story makes them seem like a force to be reckoned with.  8)

However, I think you need to improve your grammar a bit. Like, all Is, when Goliath is referring to himself need to be capitalised. Although I think that falls more under you just not hitting shift hard enough or something when typing the story out. To make sure you don't make mistakes, proof read your story before you post.

I also think your story could benefit from a bit more description. The fight was well described, but it seems to lack something during dialogue. Maybe add an action or something, or describe something. Like, when Nailz has just been told that he's the scout:

" Good" He replys

Could become:

"Good." He replies, nodding and allowing a small smile to begin spreading across his face.

See what I mean? Description after speech adds a lot to stories.

Anyway, I like where you're going with the story; hopefully some of this advice helps you. Keep up the good work. 

[nazzac]

I was in a bit of a rush last night but i see what you are saying. And will improve it.

[nazzac]

A black man wearing a Warriors vest. He is bleeding across the face and has a big cut on his right arm.
" Who are you" I ask
The man looks at me in disgust turns away then turns back to face me.
" Cleon" he replys like we have forced him to.
" What happened to u" I ask again.
He sighs.
" The Riffs jumped me." He replys
We sit down, and he stares at us for a while before turning away.
" Who the fuck are you" He asks me.
" My name is golliath we are the bangers" I reply
"A new set" he asks before looking at the wowned on his arm.
" yeh, we got up by taking out the Baseball clowns" I say
" Great" He says sarcasticly.
The train stops and we come of it. Cleon stares at us before the door closes, and then we set of to our hangout. We go to our hangout just at the end of the street, Everyone is silent, and you could hear a pin drop it's so quite. We enter the hangout and sit down on the benches right in the middle of the room. Mark goes out to get something to eat. I looked at our guns on the wall. We got them after we won the hangout. Clancy goes to the toilet at the end of the room, It's little but thats all we got realy. I got up and turned the radio on which was sitting on the table. Nowhere to run was playing, but soon finished.
" Alright now. Here's the latest word from the street. The Bangers made another great move on the street" says the DJ
Everyone turns to the radio. Mainly holding beer bottles and rinking.
" They have took down the Orphans. Apparantly we got it wrong. The Orphans didn't take out the gun blasters. Meanwhile the Turnbull ACs have been making a move on the Warriors. They have been to Coney Island but spoted nobody. Where were the Warriors. Masai of the Riffs has issued a challenge to all gangs not on their network. There will be a brawl of in Gramercy, where the winning gang will be on the Riffs network. 5 members allowed, and it will take place this Tuesday. Thats the latest Boppers. Stay tuned."
Everyone starts to chatter amongst themselves. Mark walks in with some Pizza and immediatly joins the conversation.
" QUIET!!" I shout. " Yes we will be there. This is our chance to make a name for ourselves"
" Well who's going" shouts a voice.
" I will with Mark, Casey, steve, Nailz and Jack." I say.
We all sat down, this is going to be our ticket to being a huge name...

[Dud]

I thought that chapter was pretty cool. I liked the small cameo by Cleon and thought you did pretty well portraying him being quite bitter after his beatdown.

I also really like the idea of having gangs compete to be on the Riffs' network, and can't wait to see what kind of gangs you have there.

Only problem I noticed was actually storyline-related. The DJ says only five members can go down and Goliath says himself and five other people, making six. Although I may be wrong and someone's going down as a 'substitute' or something in case anyone else gets wrecked.

Nevertheless, that was a pretty small thing to pick up on. Keep it up man, I look forward to this next chapter.  8)

[nazzac]

I thought that chapter was pretty cool. I liked the small cameo by Cleon and thought you did pretty well portraying him being quite bitter after his beatdown.

I also really like the idea of having gangs compete to be on the Riffs' network, and can't wait to see what kind of gangs you have there.

Only problem I noticed was actually storyline-related. The DJ says only five members can go down and Goliath says himself and five other people, making six. Although I may be wrong and someone's going down as a 'substitute' or something in case anyone else gets wrecked.

Nevertheless, that was a pretty small thing to pick up on. Keep it up man, I look forward to this next chapter.  8)

Hey, i delibrately made it six, find out why in the next chapter...

[Dud]

What a good idea. That just makes me want it even more. 

[nazzac]

The days past by quickly. It was quite boring. We wasted a couple of Panzers yesterday but nothing special. I've been looking for my diary for 2 days and i have found it, and today is the big day of the Riffs brawl of. Me, Mark, Nailz, Jack, Casey and Steve are all going. Yes there is six, but there is a reason. Yes it's the Riffs, but some gangs on the network will be there. There is no wepons allowed so we won't be packed, and we need the extra muscle if we do get in a outside brawl. I there's another reason. But thats for the time.

We went to the train station. It was a cold day but a dry one and we were frezzing our balls of waiting for the train. A group of youths went past us, we started at them and they told us to fuck of.  Mark Confronted them and they were silent from then on. I Just stood there, thinking about my wife. The train came and we stept on board. We sat down across from another gang who was trying to get on the Riffs network. The Mongrols they were called. They are a 2- bit outfit from Coney. The train stopt and we stept of onto the Place which is called Gramercy. We were greeted by some Riffs who led us into this fighting pen on a back alley near a club. There were 8 gangs there including us. We were first up. We were the team to beat by far. We were against the Jipsi Jugganauts. There 5 members went against our 5. I sent Nailz to look around, look around for any gangs waiting to ambush us. It was time. The Riff called it and the fight was on...

[Dud]

You left me a comment, so I'm here to return it. 

Anyway, like I said a few posts back, I really like this whole idea of gangs fighting to get on the Riffs' network. There wasn't really much to go off on that chapter, but it was a nice bridge if you get my understanding. I look forward to the next few chapters and see how the whole tournament goes.

Keep up the good work, man.  8)

[nazzac]

The story is almost finished, just a couple of more champters, but anyway heres some more.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One of the Jipsi dudes took a swung at me, and i ducked before hitting a big right into his stomoch, he went backwards couple of steps, before charging at me, he tackled me into the metal fence behind me, before conecting with a shot to my face. I stood my ground, and headbutted the guy to the floor. I looked and observed the fight. One of the Jipsi dudes were down, and steve and mark were doubling up on one of them. Casey is a new blood and was wasted on the floor. It was 4 on 4. The Jipsi was soon up to his feet, i punched him hard in the stomoch,, and he was soon bent over, so i hit him with a right knee, then a left one before hitting him with both of my knees, and he was out. I was japped from behind by one of them, and i soon found myself on the ground with the guy on top of me, he hit me about 3 times before i pushed him of me, then i saw Mark crack his neck from behind. I thanked him with a nod, and then he was taken from behind by one of them, and was knocked out by a headbut. It was 2 on one, me against 2 of them. One charged at me, i threw my elbow up and it conected to his face, then i ramed him into the mesh, and he was out. The other one punched me hard in the face, and blood started dripping down my face. I was on my knees and he kicked me around the back of my head. I went to the ground and found myself dizzy, i got up , and all i saw was a fist coming at me, i fell to my knees before it could connect, then i pulled myself up, and upper-cut the sucker who went to ground. Then i started to kick the living shit out of him untill he was out. We had progressed.

I left the pen followed by some riffs carrying some of my soldiers out. We were sent into this hut where we were fixed up for the next fight. The guy who got his necked cracked was dead.
" Fuck man." Mark said to me.
" Just calm it guys" I said.
Soon we were up in the Semis against the cewers. Some dudes who liked snooker. They wore face paint and won their last match againt the Killers. The Riff called it and the fight was on. I found myself getting a punch to the face. But i hit him back with a good right, and he was on the floor. I then kicked him in the head. It was quite easy. 3 of them were down in matter of seconds, but Steve was down aswell. Me and Mark doubled up on one. I grabbed him before Mark headbutted him to the temple. Casey had the other one pinned up.  Before headbutting him. The fight was ended after a couple of seconds. We were taken away again into this cabin. We watched The Mongrols beat The Sharks in a great fight. There was a 10 min break before we re-enterd the pen To fight the Mongrols...

[nazzac]

One Mongrol charged at me, but i put my right fist out towards him and he ran right into it. He staggerd backwards while holding his lip, there was slight blood coming from it. I walked towards him and he connected with a right hand to the side of my face, i was shocked as i didn't see it coming and then another right hit me, this time on my nose. I could feel the blood pouring from my nose, and in anger i went on a rage. I started throwing fists everywhere, he started to stagger back again, then i conected with one which sent him to the floor, i went on top of him and started to throw more punches, untill he was out. I truned and observed, 3 Mongrols on 2 of my soldiers. Steve and Jack had been wasted. I ran at one of the Mongrols and took him down before hitting him with a fierce headbutt, and then he was out. Mark took care of one by ramming his head on the concrete floor. Blood started to pour from the guys head. Casey had the other one, and then after another 30 seconds they were all down. We had won, we are now on the Riffs network. The men who were ko'ed got flashed up. Then a black man who i think is Masai came in clapping.
" Good job, and congratualtions. The Bangers are on the Riffs network with some of the big boys" He said
" Great" I said still exaughsted.
" Go home. Be at peace" He said
" ok" I replied still out of breath
We left the pen, still nacked. We went down the road where Nailz met us.
" How did it go?" He asked
" We won" I replied
" We kicked some Pussy ass." Mark said rather pointlessly.
" Good. There is nobody around yet. I've checked everywhere." Explains Nailz
" Good so we may get home in peace" Says Steve.
We set of towards the train station. We look around, making sure we don't get jumped. We get to the Station and luckly a train pulls up not long after we got there. We steped on  board. The Journey didn't take long and soon we were back i Riverside. We got of the train then out of the station. We got to the hangout, and sat down. We were all tired after the fighting. I had a bad headache, and was feeling a little naucious. I was just about to nod of before. Steve shouted.
" Where is Nailz"
...................................

[Dud]

Sweet, the Bangers are on the Riffs' network.  8)

Nice chapter man, the fight was well described and everything and I'm liking the cliffhanger with Nailz goes missing. 

You're doing well, keep it up, man.

[nazzac]

I tell you something. You won't find out in the next chapter, But it is important.

[nazzac]

" Holy shit. Where is he" Replied Clancy
" We better wait, he'll show up" I said like i don't care.
Everyone sits down in hope that Nailz will show up. Deep down i knew he was up to something.
A couple of boring hours later we were all stil waiting. I was sitting drinking some beer, Mark and Steve were playing ping pong with our new ping pong set and The others were playing cards. I had the last sip of my bottle, and without noticed walked out of the hangout. I wandered the street for a while untill i saw a cop around the corner. I tried to keep a low profile, but he heard me and chased after me. " Oh get here" He said to me, and went around a dark alley way but there was a massive fence in front of me.  I was in trouble now, but i saw a bin to the side of me, and hid behind it. There was a glass bottle just above me, and i reached and grabed it. I crouched there quitley, the cop searched, and just when he saw me i cracked his head with a bottle, and he went down in a pile of his own blood. I ran like hell around the next couple of blocks, and then i saw our Hangout, and it surrounded by cops, and cop cars with flashing lights. Then a couple of cops emerged up the stairs with some of the Bangers. I thought to myself, shit!
I was stuck in two minds, to save them or to leave them.
" is that all of them" Said one Cop.
" yes" Replied another one.
I hid behind the corner, i heard a cop car coming so hid in the shadows, they all past by 1 at a time, all with some Bangers in them.  Once they had disserpeard out of sight, and turned back around the corner. I saw another car there with two cops inside, obviously waiting for some more, i wonder if Nailz got back. A cop looked at my direction and i backed around the corner, and i bumped into someone.
"Holy shit golliath. Whats going on." Asks Nailz
" Cops grabed all of them"
" Holy fuck, what are we going to do?"
" We are going to get them out"

[Dud]

Interesting... I like the idea of all of the Bangers getting arrested and I look forward to seeing how you write about Goliath and Nailz getting them all out. Hopefully you also talk about where Nailz has been.

Or maybe they just forgot about him earlier and he had to catch his own train. 

[nazzac]

Interesting... I like the idea of all of the Bangers getting arrested and I look forward to seeing how you write about Goliath and Nailz getting them all out. Hopefully you also talk about where Nailz has been.

Or maybe they just forgot about him earlier and he had to catch his own train. 

It is not that no. Nailz plays a major part later in the story though.